bahaha

sooo, i was supposed to sleep like 3 and a half hours ago lol but im so wide awake right now o_o

ive been listening to hillsongs for the past 3 hours.. its so relaxing and calms me down :)

BUT im so confused on where i stand in my faith at the moment. well, its been like this for a while now, but im REALLY confused right now. it puzzles me so much that i cant sleep :( while listening to these songs, i realized that i do want to become closer to God, so so much.. but i have no willpower to try.. and i have no idea why im being like this. None of my prayers have been answered. Im wondering if the revival that my church is holding next month is gonna help me at all. Is there a point in going? at all the past revivals/retreats ive gone to, i felt so disappointed in myself that i was never able to keep that “high” within me. it would just fade within a week or two. and i think its gonna happen again..

i know ive talked about this before, but i’ll just post it again. all the members in my church who went to the jersey city church with me have grown sooo much, and im proud of them for that, really (: but what about me? why am i the only one still like this? it doesnt help at all that its just me. it makes me think that theres no point in trying. someone told me that everyone has different times when they finally understand and accept God, but i dont know.. im confused heehee. honestly, sometimes i wonder if hes real… thats really bad, isnt it.. during bible study, i usually doodle, answer questions that i have to, and during service, i usually dont pay attention to the sermon, but i do sing. and i honestly do sing for God, not because everyone else is singing. No one really sings in our yg anyways.. except the band haha we gotta work on that guysss!

anyways yeah. im confused. but i do want to become closer to God. 

Open my eyes
I want to see Your glory, Your glory Lord
I open my heart 
I want to be closer, closer to You

Here I am again
I find my strength in drawing near
You have heard the desperate cry in me